Is This Poly?

I am divorced. Twice now. This is not a lament, or an attempt to garner attention. I am neither bitter nor angry. I am gratefully divorced. The first divorce was 2007, and I was angry about it. To be fair, I was angry before the first marriage, in a very passive aggressive way, anger going back to childhood. Anger is generally the easiest emotion for men to access, and can be great for getting an immediate burst of energy to get one going when they have struggled with depression for so long. The first marriage started the healing process and as it was going south, I contributed to it’s failing, and my anger increased. Or at least, I had better access to it- apparently, when you start to heal from depression, one might experience an increase in anger. When the marriage dissolved, I held rage. Then, I let go. It went away and before long I discovered happiness. I began a reflecting process. I wasn’t just happy, I was tracking days of being happy, and for no reason, and so I went to counseling to find out what I was doing wrong so I could maintain it.

I was recovering, but not healed. Is anyone ever perfectly healed? I dated a lot after the divorce, very unlike anything I did as a teenager or young adult. I dated very little in my youth. I married the second wife 2012. There was this surreal quality of knowing it wasn’t going to work out and yet, this feeling of fate- it was necessary. A year into it we split up. You may find this funny, but I was reflecting, literally looking in the mirror and I stated out loud, ‘alright, god, or whoever is up there, I always fuck this up and I would…